Celebrating Another Baby Moore — Our Miscarriage Story
I’ve sat down at my computer to write this post more times that I can count. Every time I do, I just can’t seem to find the words to express what the last two months have been like. How can a blog post possibly express how truly devastating this time has been for us? I cannot believe that a short post will truly do our story justice, but right now, it’s going to have to be enough.
I know the last two months have been difficult for everyone. So many lives lost to this horrible virus, millions of people on unemployment, businesses shutting down because of the loss of income, many people wondering how they’re going to pay their rent this month, and healthcare workers who are facing the most horrific experiences of their lives. It’s a terrible situation for everyone, and my heart goes out to everyone who is struggling during this time.
Our Gift of Hope
We’ve also been struggling to get some relief during this time, which has been stressful for us. With the wedding industry shut down, I have been out of work for two months now, unable to collect unemployment, and it has been a little scary. But during the middle of all of this, we were given a beautiful gift of hope. That precious gift came in the form of a positive pregnancy test.
Despite all of the horror going on in the world, we were feeling blessed by our sweet angel, who was due to be born on Thanksgiving Day. I was honestly shocked to get a positive pregnancy test. It was our first time trying since our miscarriage last October and I never in a million years would’ve imagined being successful on our first try. Even though it felt like a scary time to be bringing a baby into the world, I knew in my heart that this rainbow baby of ours was a true blessing.
I Was Terrified
Despite knowing how much of a blessing this baby was for us, the truth is I was scared. After getting our positive pregnancy test, I stressed for weeks about our 8-week confirmation ultrasound. Something nobody realizes is that after a mother experiences a pregnancy loss, she will never have a “normal” pregnancy. What I mean by this is that she will never go through a pregnancy without the fear that her baby may not live.
Once you’ve experienced a pregnancy loss, you will *never* feel relaxed during any part of a pregnancy again. Those first 4 weeks you have to wait to get a confirmation ultrasound are the longest weeks of your life. Anxiety is through the roof and the only thing that is on your mind is whether you’re going to lose this baby or not. It’s challenging. I envy women who have at least one successful pregnancy without a loss, because they’ll never know what it’s like to constantly feel like they’re going to lose their baby.
Despite feeling terrified of having another miscarriage, I felt confident that this was God’s plan for us. Everything seemed to be falling perfectly into place, and we let ourselves dream about what the fall was going to bring. We started decorating the nursery and making plans. I prayed to God everyday for a healthy baby and a strong heartbeat. Hearing a heartbeat was especially important to us because we never got to hear one with our first baby. Also, once a heartbeat is confirmed, chances of miscarrying go down significantly.
I Wasn’t Prepared
Our 8-week appointment finally arrived, and despite all my worrying, I still wasn’t ready for what I had to face.
It took a while for our doctor to say anything. She measured and re-measured, and my heart sank. I knew that something was wrong. Our baby looked so small, and it didn’t have any distinct shape to it. Finally, I saw a flicker of a heartbeat on the screen, but I still knew something wasn’t right.
Hearing that heartbeat was the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard, but it was slow. Very slow.
Our baby was only measuring 6 weeks old with a heart rate of 95 bpm, when it was supposed to be measuring 8 weeks with a heart rate of 140 bpm. With this level of stunted growth, our doctor said that this was a sign that this baby probably wasn’t going to make it.
I Was Devastated
How could I be having another miscarriage? What’s wrong with me? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Tears were streaming down my face as I struggled to ask her these questions.
We had to wait another week for a follow-up ultrasound to see if there was any progression. It was the longest week of my life. I had up and down moments where I thought maybe this baby was going to pull through. I also had my doubts. I am a woman with faith, but I am also a woman who believes in science, and the science was telling me that this baby wasn’t going to live. I prayed and prayed for a miracle. I prayed my dates were wrong, or that the ultrasound was wrong…anything that would allow my baby to be healthy and live a happy life.
More Bad News
One week later, we found out our baby’s heart had stopped beating. For the second time in one year, I had a missed miscarriage. To describe the heartbreak you feel as a parent when you hear those words is impossible. Let alone twice in row. Suddenly, I went from being 1 in 4 to 1 in 50. The doctors tell me that it’s really common for women to have two miscarriages in a row, but it doesn’t feel that way. You honestly just feel completely alone. Despite knowing it’s not true, you feel like there isn’t any way anyone could possibly understand what you’re feeling or what you’re going through.
A few days later, I had a D&E. Last time, we decided to use the medication in order to help pass everything, but despite having a 75% success rate, it didn’t work for me. After 2 rounds of misoprostal, I still had to have a D&E. After that experience, I decided if I had to do it again, I’d skip the medication and do the surgery. This experience has been a million times better for my physical recovery, and quite a bit better for my emotional recovery.
Miscarriage During a Pandemic
So you may be wondering what this experience has been like during a worldwide pandemic. While this time has overall been easier to handle emotionally, the truth is when you miscarry during a worldwide pandemic and a stay-at-home order, you face a whole new set of challenges. Isolation is extremely daunting, and your anxiety goes through the roof. You can’t go anywhere to distract yourself or see people to make yourself try to forget about the swell of deep, deep sadness you feel. It’s been incredibly difficult, and I would not wish this situation on anyone.
Thank You for Your Support
This time around, we decided we wouldn’t tell very many people in case we ended up miscarrying again. It’s difficult to go back and make phone calls after a miscarriage, but we knew there were some people that we wanted to know in case we needed the support. To everyone who has been so incredibly supportive during this time, I just want to say thank you. We love you all so much and we can’t tell you how grateful we are for you. We feel so blessed to have such supportive families and friends in our lives to help us through this.
Happy Mother’s Day
To all the mamas going through this during this crazy time, just know that you aren’t alone. You are SO loved and cared for, and I am thinking about you daily.
I know that we’re going to get through this, but everyday lately has felt like a challenge. Mother’s Day coming up on Sunday, and I am now mourning the loss of not one, but two sweet angels, one of whom was supposed to be due in just 12 days. My heart just aches. Even though we don’t have Earthly children, we decided we would be recognizing Mother and Father’s day this year. Maybe that’s weird, but I’m really happy we are doing that.
I hope you all will forgive me for taking a bit of a break from social media and the blog lately. With everything going on, it was just something I needed to do for myself. I hope to return to a little more consistency in my life soon, but until then, I hope you are home safe and staying healthy. Thank you for letting me share my story with you today.
One organization that I absolutely love and would love to give a shout out to is Held Your Whole Life. They are a non-profit organization that supports bereaved families who have experienced the loss of their baby(s) in utero, whether it’s through miscarriage or stillbirth. Through them, mothers and fathers are able to get a necklace and/or keychain that commemorate the memories of their lost children. Their jewelry is beautiful, and I hope that you will consider supporting them in their mission.
Every month, they have a code where mothers/fathers can get a free necklace and/or keychain just for the cost of shipping. I got my necklace in the fall after our first loss and it is simply beautiful. I wear it all the time. Recently, I purchased a November birthstone to add to my necklace for my second sweet baby and it included a sweet hand-written note. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me during this time.
The main way that this organization can provide free jewelry to bereaved parents who are grieving is through donations. I hope you’ll consider supporting them, because they are truly making a difference in people’s lives.
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