This Isn’t How It’s Supposed to Be
Lately, it seems like not a day goes by where I don’t see another baby announcement on Facebook. Perhaps I’m just in that age range right now, but it seems like spring of 2020 is going to be crazy with new babies. I wish with all my heart that this post was an announcement that we are expecting in May, but unfortunately, that isn’t our story.
When I first saw that faint plus sign, I never in a million years would have dreamed that this would be our story. I thought about how our families would react to our exciting news; I imagined all of the cousins chasing each other in the backyard at grandma’s house; I dreamed what it would feel like to finally be a mom. It’s amazing how all it takes for that to disappear is just 5 little words.
“I’m not seeing a heartbeat.”
Those are 5 words that changed my life forever. In that moment, my heart sank and I was overwhelmed with sadness. Tears started streaming down my face as I tried to maintain composure.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I looked over at Zach, and his face said it all. The ultrasound tech left the room to give us a moment together. All that was racing through my mind was, “What did I do wrong?” Even knowing that 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage through no fault of the mother, I just couldn’t help but wonder if there was something I should have done differently.
Zach took my hand, kissed it, and assured me there was nothing I did to cause this. The truth is they don’t even really know why this happens. It’s the body’s way of recognizing that the fetus isn’t forming correctly and it decides to stop production. Despite knowing this for most of my life, I was still devastated. Our baby never formed past a tiny little pea. We never even got to hear Baby Moore’s heartbeat. If I’m being honest, at times…it just feels so unfair.
Our Pregnancy Journey
Our pregnancy journey started nine months ago. We started trying for a little one in February 2019, and we were both convinced it was going to happen right away. As the months kept going by, we started to worry. We knew it was early to start having doubts, but with each passing month and no pregnancy, we just couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong.
I know it sounds a little silly, but when we discovered we were pregnant, I felt like this was our miracle baby. We weren’t actively trying during the month we conceived. I also had some issues with my cycles, which left us wondering if I had other medical issues preventing me from getting pregnant. When we saw that positive pregnancy test, I couldn’t believe it. It finally happened. We were going to be parents.
This road has been a long one both emotionally and physically. In October, I had to endure two rounds of medication, countless amounts of ultrasounds, and surgery. It was brutal. Even though all of the physical healing is finally over, we are still only at the beginning of this healing process.
A little over a month has passed since we found out we lost Baby Moore, and everyday, that heartbreak seems to get a little bit easier to bear. There’s no doubt in my mind that the next 6.5 months will be hard, but I know that we are going to get through it with the love of our families and friends.
Even though we’re sad, we want to celebrate the life of our little one. Although I got to be a mom for just 7 weeks, I will always cherish the time we had with our sweet babe.
Thank you for letting me be your mom, little one. I will love you always.